Observations

       Rushing into Manhattan, I started to feel a little dizzy and it occurred to me that I hadn’t stopped to eat breakfast.     I needed to get my blood sugar up fast, but the options are kind of limited on 57 th   St,     where there are multiple expensive, formal restaurants.     I spotted a Duane Reade, hurried in, grabbed a Twix and paid the cashier.     “Enjoy     it, young lady,” she said to me.     I was surprised because, at almost 51, I was pretty sure I’m older than she is.       I figured maybe she addresses everyone this way, regardless of age, but then she said “enjoy it while you still can, unlike me,” gesturing at herself. I was too behind schedule to ask what she meant, so I dashed out the door. At shoulder therapy, I sat on the table with my feet not touching the floor because I’m so short.  I had to keep myself from swinging my legs like a little kid. ...

  Far Rockaway   Tired after shoulder therapy and sore from the effort of trying to get just a little more motion from my damaged shoulder, I got on the express bus back to Bay Ridge.  I noticed right away that the driver was talking out loud, complaining about traffic and pedestrians to no one in particular.  A couple of stops later a woman in her 60s in the suit skirt and dress shoes of an office worker got on, and I didn’t hear what he said, but she said, with traditional Brooklyn grammar, “I’m here, what are you, taking attendance?”  “I’m following you,” he replied which could have been a reference to our social media obsessed times, but wound up sounding creepy from a man his age.  “Actually, we’re following you,” she retorted, turning the statement on its head.  He went back to driving and muttering about the heavy traffic and I fell asleep before we had reached the FDR. Back in Brooklyn, I had just finished serving the M...

  Juggling my work bag and the compost, I stepped out into the cloudy day, reluctantly ready to head to Dad’s place for the first time in at least ten years. I need to get a sense of the situation so I can start emptying it out and prepping it for sale. The magnitude of the project is overwhelming.        Latching my front door, because I lost my keys again and can’t lock it, I’m thinking about keys and I suddenly realize I didn’t take Dad’s keys. Somewhere in my brain, I seem to think he’s still there to buzz me in like he did so many times when I found myself in Manhattan with a gap in my schedule and just showed up.     Keys retrieved, I stopped on my way into Manhattan for some cleaning supplies - if nothing else, it must be very dusty.  As I approached, his door I was struck again by the names on the bells- not only his, but neighbors I know aren’t around anymore, especially his dutch friend Mia from the apartment above him. Unlocking th...

       Super stressed, I woke up in the middle of the night.     While my hands, on autopilot, started opening cans for the cats who think that they must be fed immediately whenever I wake up, my mind was focused on the image I woke up with – a seashell.     Not just a random shell, but one that had housed a hermit crab.     On their own, hermit crabs are not pretty animals—they look similar to other kinds of crabs.     But hermit crabs are nature’s recyclers – they live their lives in shells discarded by other creatures, carrying the shell with them as they move like a part of them. As I focused on the image, the hazy wisps of a dream took shape in my memory.  In the dream, I am the crab, detaching from my constraining shell and leaving it abandoned on the beach. Still not fully awake, I thought to myself that the shell is my life with all its stress and sadness- the impossible to pay bills, the physical pain, the fa...

     The arrival of the orange turd in NYC for the UN session could not be left unchallenged. I got up before dawn, rounded up my arrest essentials- ID, keys, phone, train fare- and made sure to put on lace free shoes.      When I stopped at the arabic bodega to buy my tea, the owner - who I watched studying for his citizenship exam and eagerly told me when he first voted -  knew right away by the early hour that something was afoot. “Trump is at the UN,” I told him, saying nothing about protests. He broke into a broad smile. “You always do the right thing,” he said.      I missed the R by a few seconds and, worried about being late, I made up the time by jumping from the R to the N to the D to the 4. Arriving on the 4 platform in downtown Brooklyn, I immediately spotted Ken S. “I know where you’re going,” I said to him. On the train we talked about animals, pets past and present, the temperamental nature of bunnies who will stomp t...

       Today, after meeting my new psych resident, a blue-eyed young woman with long hair and a floor length skirt who turned the usual first appointment on its head by asking what I thought she should know about me. It’s an interesting approach, which makes the appointment less about robotically filling in answers on the computer and puts the direction of the conversation in the hands of the patient.  Unfortunately she could not answer when I asked if she would be specializing in adult or child psych, which matters to me bc if she decides on child, I will only have her for a year vs two if she stays in the adult track. She is my third psychiatrist at this clinic, a rate of turnover which is not ideal for any healthcare setting but esp psychiatry.  But in our fucked up system, where the majority of psychiatrists demand cash and a lot of it, I’m lucky to have anybody competent.      Later on, I made my way to  Downtown Brooklyn, to City...